It was a cold night of December. I couldn't remember what date it was. All I knew is that I’m still a little child eating my favourite food Carbonara. Maybe I was in grade 5 back then. I was sitting alone in the dining table of my grandmother's house that night. The table was full of food and it made my eyes sparkling with joy. Everyone was finish eating except me. They usually go directly to the living room to have some rest after eating their dinner. It didn’t matter to me that I was the only one left alone eating because I was enjoying myself so much.
My grandmother's house is full of antique figurines and most of them are angels and fairies. She has a very old cosy house and we were lucky that she let us lived there while taking care of it, that's the reason why we are here in Baguio. All of her collection were displayed inside of an old china cabinet. Actually all part of the house is surrounded by those figurines. And we were not allowed to play because there is a tendency that we might broke something. We were also forbidden to play outside with other kids, my mother didn't like it. So, I and my brother only played inside our room with our toys. But most of the time I just love staring with those fragile fairies and angels all over the house because I didn't feel alone and they don't make me feel different.
I still had a lot of food left on my plate. Well, obviously I was a child and it's normal to eat with a lot of pause and break. After a while my father and mother came in the dining room with people I’ve never seen before. An old woman I think, who looks rich by her outfit same like in the movies. Together with her, she was with a tall white man. I was not sure but I thought he was an American. My mother prepared plates for them while scolding me because I still haven’t finish my food with her eyes staring at me with warning. I knew that look and I was pretty sure that she wanted me to go to the bedroom because there were visitors. Rule No. 1 when there is a visitor, we need to behave and stay inside the room until the visitor is gone. Children are not allowed to join with adult’s conversation.
But I was a hard-headed young girl back then. I told my mother that I’m not yet finish eating and rule no. 2 don't waste food and finish everything in your plate. But she said, "Just bring your food in the kitchen and stay there". My father helped me get my plate and brought to the kitchen. While I was about to get off of my chair, I heard the white man in his low voice "is that their 1st child?" of course I can already understand English. And the woman answered her in a low voice too “No, that child was given by their faraway relative, Adopted child, so don't mind her”. The moment I stepped on the floor I felt like I lost my bones. There is a lump stock in my throat, it was so painful I wanted to burst out but there was no sound coming out of my mouth. My instincts are all true, my doubts are all true. I knew it from the beginning, I was right! They always let me feel that I'm different, that I don’t belong to them. I knew it, I had a very strong feeling that there was something wrong. And there it was, I just heard it!
My mother called me by my name and told me that my food was getting colder. I suddenly came back to my senses and at last I was able to talk but the lump in my throat is bothering me. And I just told her that I cannot finish that anymore because I was already full and then they allowed to go to my bedroom. That was a lie... my appetite is gone! I didn't think that I could still eat after hearing the truth. But then, I still pretended that I didn't heard them and I acted normally as I left the dining room.
The room was dark. I felt the emptiness in it. I didn’t want to open the lights, I didn’t want them to see me crying. I didn’t want them to know that I’m weak. I reached my bed and grabbed my blanket and hid myself. I felt the tears flowing on my cheek. My thoughts were empty, my heart was empty, and my world was empty. I was a child back then and I know nothing about life.
I was not able to accept and understood them until I was 23 years old. And that's the time... when my world started turning back again.
My grandmother's house is full of antique figurines and most of them are angels and fairies. She has a very old cosy house and we were lucky that she let us lived there while taking care of it, that's the reason why we are here in Baguio. All of her collection were displayed inside of an old china cabinet. Actually all part of the house is surrounded by those figurines. And we were not allowed to play because there is a tendency that we might broke something. We were also forbidden to play outside with other kids, my mother didn't like it. So, I and my brother only played inside our room with our toys. But most of the time I just love staring with those fragile fairies and angels all over the house because I didn't feel alone and they don't make me feel different.
I still had a lot of food left on my plate. Well, obviously I was a child and it's normal to eat with a lot of pause and break. After a while my father and mother came in the dining room with people I’ve never seen before. An old woman I think, who looks rich by her outfit same like in the movies. Together with her, she was with a tall white man. I was not sure but I thought he was an American. My mother prepared plates for them while scolding me because I still haven’t finish my food with her eyes staring at me with warning. I knew that look and I was pretty sure that she wanted me to go to the bedroom because there were visitors. Rule No. 1 when there is a visitor, we need to behave and stay inside the room until the visitor is gone. Children are not allowed to join with adult’s conversation.
But I was a hard-headed young girl back then. I told my mother that I’m not yet finish eating and rule no. 2 don't waste food and finish everything in your plate. But she said, "Just bring your food in the kitchen and stay there". My father helped me get my plate and brought to the kitchen. While I was about to get off of my chair, I heard the white man in his low voice "is that their 1st child?" of course I can already understand English. And the woman answered her in a low voice too “No, that child was given by their faraway relative, Adopted child, so don't mind her”. The moment I stepped on the floor I felt like I lost my bones. There is a lump stock in my throat, it was so painful I wanted to burst out but there was no sound coming out of my mouth. My instincts are all true, my doubts are all true. I knew it from the beginning, I was right! They always let me feel that I'm different, that I don’t belong to them. I knew it, I had a very strong feeling that there was something wrong. And there it was, I just heard it!
My mother called me by my name and told me that my food was getting colder. I suddenly came back to my senses and at last I was able to talk but the lump in my throat is bothering me. And I just told her that I cannot finish that anymore because I was already full and then they allowed to go to my bedroom. That was a lie... my appetite is gone! I didn't think that I could still eat after hearing the truth. But then, I still pretended that I didn't heard them and I acted normally as I left the dining room.
The room was dark. I felt the emptiness in it. I didn’t want to open the lights, I didn’t want them to see me crying. I didn’t want them to know that I’m weak. I reached my bed and grabbed my blanket and hid myself. I felt the tears flowing on my cheek. My thoughts were empty, my heart was empty, and my world was empty. I was a child back then and I know nothing about life.
I was not able to accept and understood them until I was 23 years old. And that's the time... when my world started turning back again.